It's the one game I dislike playing. I don't want to wait. I don't want to wait for the phone to ring.
In all honesty, I'm a little bit sad and dissappointed. But life goes on.
Sweet dreams and goodnight. I've got a final in the morning.
<3 Kelsi
Everything I start to write these past few days I seem to delete. I'm in a writer's block. I guess I just don't feel like writing something that I'll end up wanting to take back later. I don't see the point in that.
Yesterday I listened to my friend (and I guess you could say that lightly) talk about how much she hates her boyfriend's family. Everything is about how she hates this and how she hates that. If I'm going to be honest, then I'd have to say outright that I don't believe or support her in half of the decisions that she makes. I don't understand being angry or sad 80% of the time but yet not making any changes to your life. More often than not, I think that people bring upon themselves the lives that they have through the choices that they make, and although it probably would have been difficult for me to admit a year ago, I believe that that is true.
I had been in love with a man who I shouldn't have even given a second thought to, let alone a year of my life. When I was actually living through it I felt like I didn't have a choice half of the time and that "if I just, _____, then things would get better." In my mind, better things were always just a little while away.
Looking back at the decisions that I made and the life that I am choosing to live, I can see that better days weren't coming unless I was going to consciously make the decisions to change my life. When I look at the life that my friend is living, I don't see it as my place to say much, only because she has to learn some things on her own. I feel as though I've spoken my peace and whatever I say now falls on deaf ears.
While I feel horrible sometimes that I'm not actively trying to make her change her life, I know that when I felt that way... when I had those thoughts of "if I just ____, then things will be back to normal, or we'll be happy again" or "Because of _____, then I shouldn't feel like ____" or "if only this, then this."
It feels like people hold so many empty expectations to live from day to day and I know from being in the situation myself that while I could physically hear the words that my friends were saying, I still would not accept them. It wasn't until one night when I asked for advice from my friends, yet again, that one of them replied to me, "It doesn't matter what we say to you, you're never going to listen." And while those words bit into my heart and made me stop to think, I still don't remember actually listening to them. I had to live my life according to my own decisions. I had to take my own chances.
I wish for her good things. It makes me upset to hear that she's not happy. And it hurts to know that if we were still in high school, then things could be different. I could be able to be around for her as much as she needed me. But we're growing up and I'm going to accept that our lives have changed.
Oh, and for those that don't know, I'm now unemployed. Woot! LOL. I know in a few weeks, I'm going to miss the money and I'll probably be bored. But, life goes on.
That's all for now. At least I feel like I've gotten over that writer's block !
<3 Always,
Kelsi
I love him. First and foremost I am in love with him and I'm sure of myself. Took me months to really accept it. And the sad thing is that now that I realize just how much he means to me, I'm nervous. I'm more nervous than I should be.
Tell me when you've had something really good for a long time and it lasted? Maybe I'm pessimistic, but I've had enough experiences of losing things that I really wanted. Maybe the truly good things are not lost in the way that I've lost those things that I've wanted. Perhaps they were wrong for me. Perhaps it's better this way.
When it comes to him, I just don't want to lose him. I know he's a good person but in my mind, I keep second guessing myself. I haven't known many truly good men. I'd hate to think that I've really lost faith in good relationships and good people. I'd hate to think I've crossed over into that group of people that really believe there aren't many good people left in this world.
I think what really gets to me is he's no longer just my boyfriend. He's one of my best friends and I vunerable with him. In my life, I've had many friends and many acquaintances. While that is true, in the past few years I've kept to myself knowing that many of those people aren't worth my time and will probably let me down more than once. I guess this is a great moment to thank the people I do care about. The select few with whom I can drop the walls and be myself with. The people that I'm not trying to impress, but can just sit back, relax, and laugh with.
Shouts to: Mom, Dad, Raina, Jan, Alyssa, Shelly, Meiling, & Kristen
2nd Shouts to: Abby, Leticia, Andrea, Sue, Jess, & Travis
Well I'm keeping this as short as possible. I know I need to trust him and I know that I should.
I just don't think I could easily go through another heartache after the last one.
*SIGH* It's getting late, 10:30pm and I have so much homework still.
Alyssa will be here soon! Yay. Dinner Friday. I miss my time with my friends <3
That's all for now. I need a new hobbie that I can stick to.
.. I still feel as empty inside as I did when we were driving home that one summer afternoon last year.
Sometimes I wish I could see you again.
I still don't understand why I believe in the best in people.
What am I doing?
And it's like overnight everything seems to change.
Yesterday was my 3 month anniversary with Jan. Was fun, could have been more eventful aside from simply going to Olive Garden, Baskin Robins, and watching him play Metal Gear. *Sigh. I don't think that was what really made me mad. It was the reminder of my past.
I felt abandoned for reasons other than those stated above. I don't care that much about him playing video games that I'm going to call myself abandoned. I'm not that fricken dramatic. But because of X conversation, I started to feel abandoned and empty again. You know how it is, when you're upset, you start to think of the things that upset you in the past. Next thing I know, I'm in my own world all over again.
I woke up this morning and I was pissed off. I was being a bitch about things that didn't matter and that wouldn't normally upset me. Found myself with teary eyes more than once already today. Tried taking a few moments just to scream at the top of my lungs to try and make it better, but to no use. I'm still frusterated.
Things are changing fast.
My demo is about to be heavily underway as of tomorrow night. I guess I put it off so long, I never thought I'd actually do it. Then my own original initiative comes around to smack me in the face. I guess it's God's will that it's at least something I try to do. Right now my major thought is: If I ever make it big, I'd just like to make sure that I could afford the best health care for my family. I find myself upset or on the verge of crying because of simple indicators these days. I love my family so much. I wish they really knew that with all my heart. They are always there for me. I'd rather not have to think about how different my life would be without them.
There's been alot on my mind lately. I guess all I can really do right now is to write it down. At the same time, I don't have to stress too much, because I know that the only person who will probably ever read this is Alyssa.. my best friend since 2nd grade. Miss you lots, by the way.
Well that's all I really have time for right now. I'm losing money by not being at work as I type. Off to work for me.
<3 Always,
Kelsi
P.S. And for my bitchy moment of the day,
It bothers me that Jan didn't call me last night to say goodnight or this morning to say hello. I think those are two firsts time since we started dating. What BS is that? Then when he finally decides to call me back, ... I'm going to stop myself there. Things just feel like they've changed overnight. Maybe I'm just losing it. *sigh. Off to work now.
It's Christmas Day and I'm at my aunt's house with the family. Just wanted to wish everyone a wonderful holiday. I miss everybody !! Alrighty . That's enough for now. MERRY CHRISTMAS !!
<3 Kelsi
Hi VOX people !
My name is Kelsi and this is my first public post. I'm just a girl who's trying her best to become someone better. Some day I hope to make a living off of singing, which is something that I love to do. I'm also very into photography and it has been the way I make my money for the past year and a half. I'm still a student and I'm doing what I need to, to get by. In high school I was that over achiever, only to realize that once school is over, it doesn't really matter. On job applications and such, your grades don't really matter... Just that you have a degree. I'm the kind of person who tries to put things in perspective. I don't see the point in getting stressed out when there's no real need. Time solves many things, and the rest you have to learn to deal with. That's all for now. Much love and all that. =]
--- Kelsi
